and many many more...

OK.  So I turned the big 34 on Monday.  I must admit, the older I get the more my age bothers me.  I always assumed, when I was younger, that I would marry young and have children young and start a family early.  And the older I get, the more it bothers me.  I feel like I am being punished, and that God is holding out on me  (please, NO Jer. 29:11 quotes here - I'll get to my point).  I'll get over it for a little while and be rolling along fine, and then WHAM!  It hits me right between the eyes again.  I sway between wanting to pray for my future spouse, and praying that God would take this desire from me.  I listened to a lady at a woman's conference one time say that God had told her she would marry one day.  She was over forty and still waiting (not that waiting on God is a bad thing - I know this).  That has stuck in my mind ever since and I have never wanted to be that woman.  I don't want to be waiting around for Prince Charming to ride up on his white stallion.  But in swaying back in forth between the two sides, I think that is exactly what I have been doing.  I haven't really been living my life, and I've remained stuck in the same spot for all these years.

I've wanted to turn away from God, and just not do anything about it at all.  But He has ahold of me and He won't let me go.  The verse about staying firm in the Father's hand is really making sense to me now.  My heart belongs to Him and won't let me forget it.  So now I've reached the point that I'm about to hit rock bottom.  And it frightens me.  I don't know what to do about it.  I'm scared to let go, afraid that He won't catch me.  However, if I don't let go soon and give Him the chance to catch me, I may go splat on the concrete and I would be in worse shape then.  Pray with me that God will give me the courage to let go, and the strength to get through the trying times that are coming, because I can't do it on my own.