Midnight Mind Mumblings

I sit here, at 2:15 AM, wondering why I am still wide awake.  I'm checking off the events of the evening in my mind: no caffeine, didn't eat late, classical music before bed usually relaxes me.  I'm not sure what is keeping me awake.  I do have some things on my mind and wonder if I don't need to get the out in the open.  Maybe not the world-wide-web open, but maybe if I get the generalization of them off my chest I'll be able to sleep.  Although I highly doubt it. 

My life has not turned out the way I thought it would.  As little girls, we dream of white picket fences and white wedding gowns.  My dream did not turn out that way.  Instead, I got white walls and stacks of white paper.  Does that mean that my life has less meaning?  Sometimes I feel that way but when I step back and look at the whole of my life and at the hands that created my life and know the path that I am going down, I get a different perspective.  When I made the decision to accept Christ as my Saviour, my life became His to do with as He will.  My dreams are no longer my own.  The vision I had for my life becomes obtuse, and a different vision begins to form.  God has a plan for me (this is NOT a reference to Jeremiah 29:11) and that involves me telling as many people about Him and what He can do for them that I can.

However, that doesn't mean that my ugly selfish human nature will not kick in.  I've been thinking a lot this week on past decisions that I have made and how that affects the future.  No condemnation towards myself is intended, but there are some decisions that are made in a quick instant that become easier and easier to make.  The more I make them, the less I feel bad about them.  They are not necessarily bad decisions, depending on how one looks at them, but they do have lasting consequences.  It's not something I can ignore because they keep coming back to haunt me.  I'm on a different path now, trying to correct them but these mistakes will take a long time to correct. 

This is time that I feel I no longer have to accomplish some of the dreams that I once had for myself.  Dreams for a family.  I think it's bothered me more this week because I turn 35 in a couple of months.  It's like I'm suddenly staring 40 in the face and it's made me take a look back at where my life has gone.  I've had a good like, it just didn't turn out the way I thought it would.

So what do I do now?  I take another look at the future, consult God, and see where the next few years of my life take me.  So what if my white picket fence is a church pew full of children?  Or what if my white dress is a blue t-shirt that matches 30 other blue t-shirts?  I guess my dreams really didn't die.  God just fulfilled them in a different way.  It's time to seek new dreams and see where the path goes.  At the end of my life, I'll be able to look back and see the picture that only God can see now.  I'm glad the paintbrush is not in my hand because there is not telling what the painting would look like if it was....