Haunted by the past

Well, I have been on an anti positive kick the last couple of months. I'm sure you can tell from the lack of posts. Although not every post I write is positive.

I made a decision a couple of months ago that I thought was the perfect plan. At first it moved so quickly and smoothly that I thought God was in it. Then everything came grinding to a halt. Everything eventually worked out, but I am really regretting that decision now. I wonder what is the use in even trying. Everything I touch fails in one way or another it seems like. I thought everything would be better, but it's not. The final result is that my dreams have died, not that they had much life to begin with b

Fearless Daughters of the Bible: a book review

I received a free copy of this book from Chosen Books in exchange for a honest review.  I'll have to admit that this book was not what I expected, although I'm not sure really what I expected out of a book with this title.  Women in Bible times, and even women in our times, didn't and don't have the freedom that men do to lead in our churches these days.  It is often fearful to even try, knowing what obstacles we may face, in trying to serve in the way that God may be calling us to serve.  J. Lee Grady gives excellent examples in his book of women in Bible times that did not let fear stop them from doing God's work.  He also includes examples of modern day women that did not let their gender affect their life's mission.  The end of each chapter includes a "message from God," directly to His daughters, meant to encourage. 

 

This is a well-written book, meant to encourage women in today's society to be all that God means for them to be.  Mr. Grady provides practical guidelines for increasing faith, and these guidelines are meant all women.  Single or married, young or old, any Christian woman will find encouragement from reading this book.  Some of the examples of the modern day women are a little outside of what I would consider for myself, but I would recommend this book for any woman who wants to serve God more but maybe afraid to step outside of the norms for Christian women.

 

I have to say that what I liked most about the book is that Mr. Grady did not steer the book to married women in particular, but he included references for single women as well.  As a single woman, it is hard when many times an author seems to assume that all the readers will be married, or will fall into a specific population of the culture.  I know that certain books are geared towards certain populations, but books for general Christian studies should be geared to all populations, in my opinion.  Mr. Grady did that in this book.  

Book review of "Against the Tide" by Elizabeth Camden

With the help of a friend, I discovered a great way to share my love of reading (especially inspirational historical romance) with other people.  Against the Tide is the second book I have had the pleasure of reviewing (in exchange for an honest review of the book) for Bethany House Publishers.  In this book, Elizabeth Camden combines romance and intrigue in the setting of post-civil war Boston.  Lydia Pallas is an orphan who has had to find her own way in the world.  Her affinity for languages helps her obtain a job in the male-dominated world of the US Navy.  It is her skill with languages that brings her to the attention of Alexander Banebridge (aka Bane).  Bane seeks Lydia's help as he tries to curb and ultimately stop mastermind of  illegal opium trade in the United States.  Bane fights his attraction to Lydia, believing that his previous life experiences leave him no choice but to spend his life alone on his quest to stop the opium trade.  He's afraid of the danger that his life could bring to any family that he might have in the future.  His faith in God guides him on his quest, as he tries to stop those who are destroying the lives of others.  Lydia, orphaned at a young age, wants to prove to Bane that their love is worth fighting for, and she is willing to do whatever it takes to show him that she belongs at his side.  She has fought hard to find security in her life, after growing up without any security at all.  She seeks security in every place but the place where true security can be found.  Little does Bane know, that his past, his present, and his future entertwine with Lydia's past, present, and future in ways that can only be described as the hand of God (through the writing of the author).  Lydia's journey has its ups and downs throughout the book.  Elizabeth Camden did not disappoint.  In fact, I found it hard to put down.  There is plenty of suspense and adventure in the book to keep the reader hooked as the story goes along.  I thought the author did an excellent job with the story line, the plot, and the characters.  I identified with Lydia, as she struggles to make her way, alone in a workforce dominated by men.  My heart ached with her, and the struggles that she faces throughout the book.  I also identified with Bane, and his belief that because of his past he is not able to pursue his love for Lydia.  This book wasted no time in capturing my attention and was able to hold my attention throughout the whole book.  I recommend this book to anyone who is looking for a historical book with just the right blend of romance, intrigue, and suspense. 

Book Review of "At Every Turn" by Anne Mateer

I think most of you know that I like to read. I like to read romance, preferably historical romance. Recently I was introduced to an author I did not know about. I was given the chance to preview the book for free in exchange for a review here on my blog.  The review was not required to be positive.  Here is what I thought about it:

 At Every Turn by Anne Mateer takes the reader on a journey through the eyes of Alyce. Alyce is a young impulsive girl with a good heart and a love for speed. She has to keep her love for speed a secret from her family. The only one who knows is her father’s mechanic, Webster. Webster is a mysterious man, very “little” is known about his past. In a moment of impulsiveness brought forth from her good heart, Alyce pledges as large amount of money to help foreign missionaries. When her efforts (and her good heart) cause her to fall short of her goal, Alyce enlists Webster to help her enter a race to try to reach her goal. Throughout the rest of the book, the reader gets to know Alyce and Webster more as Alyce races towards her goal.

I found Alyce’s blend of naivete and impulsiveness to be refreshing. She does not let the fact that she was born into money affect her view of others whose social class is lower than hers. Webster was a hard puzzle to figure out. I could see pieces of his heart through his care for Alyce, and was very pleased when the fullness of his heart could be seen. This book did not disappoint. Anne Mateer takes the reader on a journey filled with twists and turns that will keep the reader enthralled through the end of the book. If you are looking for a good read and love historical romance, this is the book for you. Historical romance happens to be my favorite. I haven’t read many set in the early 1900s, and I usually don’t enjoy books written in the first person tense. This book is both, and Anne Mateer did an excellent job. I look forward to reading more of her books.

clarity

I need to clarify on the whole adoption issue. I have a good support system around me. My parents, sister, aunts, uncles, etc. I'm just not close enough to any Christian men on a regular basis that would have a positive impact on any child I might have in the future and I believe this is a factor that would influence my decision. I think I'm thinking too much tonight. What do you think?

Powerful Puff of Positiveness, Popped

I watched the car that I've driven for over 4 years drive off earlier.  It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.  I was stuck in a debt cycle, and I knew I had to make some changes.  I have another vehicle I can drive for a few months, and I can focus on filling in my debt pit.  I got so excited when I first thought about selling my car to get out of debt, but it didn't take long for that balloon to sink.  Thoughts of travel and adoption and less stress over finances had me floating high for a while.  Sadly, reality soon sank in.

Travel is not an issue.  I'm single, no children, it would be easy for me to travel if I had the money.  I have my passport, family in a foreign country, and a job that gives me plenty of vacation time.  The pin that popped the balloon was the thought of adoption.  I am fairly certain that marriage is not in my future.  It doesn't bother me as much as it did.  I think, as I get older, I realize marriage does not hold all the ideals that I thought it did.  I have always been interested in children, and I would love to have children of my own. 

Being single, adopting a baby is not something I would consider.  I would love to take in an older child.  After listening to a podcast on adoption on a Christian website geared for singles, several issues with single adoption were brought to my attention, and I was reminded of this with my nephew tonight.  While I don't think a single woman can't raise a child on her own (double negative for emphasis only), I do think it is important for that child to be exposed to other Christian adults, especially males (if the child is being raised by a single mother).  This was a point that was brought out in that podcast.  While I have plenty of Christian women in my life, there is a lack of Christian males.  There are Christian men in my church, but none that would be involved directly with my child's (if I ever have one) life.

Of course, one also has to consider that being in a single parent family may be better than a child growing up in an orphanage.  That's something I need to consider as well.  I know of many successful single parents, women that have brought up their children in church (both girls and boys), and these children are leading very successful lives today.  It's just a choice of whether or not God has called me to be a parent in this way.

I have this one my mind, since my car drove away today, and yesterday was Orphan Sunday.  I have a lot of decisions to work through in the next few months and pray that God will give me the strength and His guidance through them all.

Psalm 107 and the Dead Sea Scroll Exhibit

So, my aunt and I drove down to Ft. Worth to the Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary today to see the Dead Sea Scrolls Exhibit.  The trip was my birthday gift (kind of to myself).  My friend Jenny from college met us down there.  She has been to Israel on an archeological dig and made an excellent companion during our time going through the exhibit.  The exhibit was very well put together.  It's amazing to see how God has protected His Word through the years.  One of the fragments or pages that we got to see today was Psalm 107.  I read a little bit while we were there, and read the full chapter when I got home.  It's amazing how this chapter parallels with what I have been experiencing in my life and I wanted to offer a paraphrase as a testimony to what God has done in my life.  So here goes:

Psalm 107, a Diana paraphrase

 

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good.

His faithful love endures forever.

Let the redeemed of the Lord proclaim

that He has redeemed them from the hand of the foe

and has gathered them from the lands -

from the east and the west, and the north and the south.

 

I have wandered in the desolate wilderness,

not able to find my way to that place in my life where I was supposed to be.

I was spiritually hungry and thirsty, and my soul was dying within me.

I cried out to my Lord in the midst of my despair.

He rescued me and showed me the way to go.

He showed me the path I was meant to travel

I give thanks to the Lord,

for His faithful love and His wonderful works for me.

He quenched my hunger and thirst, and has given me good things.

 

I have sat in darkness and despair, a prisoner in chains of my own doing.

Because I rebelled against God, and did not heed His counsel.

My spirit was broken by labor, I fell, and there was no one to help me up.

I cried out to my God, He heard me.

He lit up my darkness, and broke my chains.

I give thanks to the Lord,

for His faithful love and His wonderful works for me.

For He has broken my chains.

 

I was a fool, suffering under affliction caused by myself.

Caused by my sin and my rebellious ways.

I loathed any "word from God" and walked down the path of death.

Then I cried out to God in my despair.

He sent His Word.  He healed me.  He rescued me from the pit.

I give thanks to the Lord,

for His faithful love and His wonderful works for me.

For He healed me and He loves me.

I will offer gifts of thanksgiving and tell others how He has saved me.

 

There is a lot more to the testimony, but I am waiting to share until the whole of it has come to pass.  Let me just say that I am truly blessed to be loved by my God who will never let me go.

 

 



New Bucket List

So, here is my bucket list of things to do by the time I hit age 40:

1. Get my stupid debt paid off (hopefully by my next birthday)
2. Visit Jane Austen's house
3. See Phantom of the Opera on Broadway
4. Take my niece to the ballet
5. Take my nephew to a ballgame or etc
6. Finish reading all of Jane Austen's books
7. Take a dance class
8. Find out more about Theresa Mueller
9. Learn some German
10. Smile more....

Another year, another dollar

So, I hit the big 35 yesterday.  It bothered me up until today.  This age was kind of a goal age for me.  If I wasn't married with kids by this age, I probably would never be:  all the rigmarole about having kids after 35 and the increased risk of birth defects, and other things added in.  I know, I know.  God's plans are bigger than my plans and I have know plenty of people that have had successful pregnancies after age 35.  It was just a milestone for me.  I have a feeling things in my life are going to change for the better in the next few months.  So who knows what will happen by my next birthday....

Bucket list revised...

I need to revise my bucket list.  It wasn't very well thought through and I will be updating it soon!

Is the wait worth it?

This blog post has shown up in my life twice in one week.  It makes a very good point.  But it also tells me that I need to change my way of thinking from the last 35 years.  As a little girl, I dreamed of the day I would put on a white dress and walk down the aisle to my prince charming.  Barbie and Ken got married many times at my house.  :-)  Or maybe "renewed their vows" would be the right term.  Barbie always wore white, because she had waited for her wedding night.  (On a tangent, I really like how the Duggar girls talked about waiting a couple of weeks ago on their show). 

Growing up in a Christian home, I heard this a lot.  I heard it at church.  I heard it at church camp.  Youth rallies.  I even went to a True Love Waits lock-in and signed the card.  I never had a purity ring because I am not much of a jewelry wearer. 

Save yourself for your spouse and God will bring the right person into your life.

Become the person you want to marry and the right person will come along.

God has a perfect person out there for everyone.

Have you tried (insert name of dating website here)?

My neighbor's son's girlfriend's hairdresser's preschool teacher's daughter's coworker is a nice young man.  I should set you guys up.

If you're single, I'm sure you could insert several more phrases into the list above.  I've heard the above, met the coworker, neighbor, etc.  I've waited, signed the pledge, etc.  Yet year after year, no one has shown up.  My 35th birthday is in a month.  I was looking back and thinking that I have really not accomplished anything.  I'm not married, I don't have any children, I don't have a lot of material things.  I do have a college degree and a decent job, but the world tells me that this is not enough.  The world tells me that I need more to be happy. 

I think what bothers me more about this is that I've waiting for an invisible man that's not going to show up.  I've waited.  I've sat on my hands and I've not been living my life because I've been waiting.  I shouldn't be listening to the world.  I need to be listening to God.  God says I have a full life in Him.  Looking at my life from God's perspective, I've taught children about Jesus in several ways.  I've got to go as a sponsor to camp (with my heart daughter aka niece).  I handed out Bibles in a foreign country.  I've seen God's hand at work in my life in many ways.  I've got to share this with people.  I haven't done this as much as I should, but it's been there.

That was another tangent.  God made people to bring Him glory.  I've often thought that if a marriage in my life would bring God more glory, He will bring it to pass.  Or if I can bring more glory to Him as a single, that is the way I need to stay.  It's a very hard pill to swallow at times, the thought that I may and will likely be single the rest of my life.  Especially when it happens to others around me, or when people keep telling me that it will happen.  It makes me doubt God's plan and blessings in my life. 

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm almost 35, and I have to change my thinking.  God's plan is best.  God has good things planned for me.  God can use me whether I'm single or married.  Will I ever know why He has kept me single?  Maybe not, but I can say this.  The wait HAS been worth it.  I've missed out on a lot of heartbreak by waiting, among other things.  I have a lot of opportunities to serve God because I am single (not that you can't serve God as a married person, but take care that you don't work your single church members too much just because they are single).

Not too long ago, my niece mentioned marriage.  Hopefully I can teach her, and my nephew, that waiting is good because it brings glory to God and not just wait because it will bring the right person along at some point.  I think I've said enough so I will sign off.  I've got a lot of reading and praying to do...

 

 

 

 

 



Aching in this life

Back to the Laura Story song I mentioned yesterday: 

Part of the song towards the end mentions "disappointments" and "aching in the life" that points towards a need in our life that only God can fill.  God created man and woman to be in relationship with Him.  When God first created Adam and Eve, he would come walk with them everyday.  They communed with God.  I think the majority of my "aching" and "disappointments" come from the fact that in my relationship with God, He does the communicating and I listen for a couple of minutes and gone on about my way.  I expect Him to know everything that I need and the things others have asked me to pray for, but I don't take enough time to actually tell Him everything.  A relationship doesn't work if one person does all the work and the other person pops in every once in a while and says Hello.  That's my life story for the last few weeks.  I'm the popper that says "Hello" and then goes on about my merry way.  And I wonder why my relationship with God seems to be at a standstill.

Hmmmmm......

the desires of my heart

There is something that I have been wanting for a while now.

I just figured that if I kept going, eventually it would show up.

Yeah, I probably could have gone out and found it on my own.

I probably could have asked someone to find some for me.

But I didn't ask, I didn't find, I didn't get any of my own.

Sunday morning, fighting my usual "don't want to get out of bed"ness,

I finally got going and on my way to church.

Walking through the back door, I met what I never expected to see that morning.

Right there, right in front of me, that thing my heart had been wanting.

Brought to church by my good friends.

I spent some time with this desire tonight. 

It made my evening so much better. 

I hope you get to enjoy some in your life as well.

Home grown too.  How often do you see that in the city?

Fresh, home-grown,


OKRA

Midnight Mind Mumblings

I sit here, at 2:15 AM, wondering why I am still wide awake.  I'm checking off the events of the evening in my mind: no caffeine, didn't eat late, classical music before bed usually relaxes me.  I'm not sure what is keeping me awake.  I do have some things on my mind and wonder if I don't need to get the out in the open.  Maybe not the world-wide-web open, but maybe if I get the generalization of them off my chest I'll be able to sleep.  Although I highly doubt it. 

My life has not turned out the way I thought it would.  As little girls, we dream of white picket fences and white wedding gowns.  My dream did not turn out that way.  Instead, I got white walls and stacks of white paper.  Does that mean that my life has less meaning?  Sometimes I feel that way but when I step back and look at the whole of my life and at the hands that created my life and know the path that I am going down, I get a different perspective.  When I made the decision to accept Christ as my Saviour, my life became His to do with as He will.  My dreams are no longer my own.  The vision I had for my life becomes obtuse, and a different vision begins to form.  God has a plan for me (this is NOT a reference to Jeremiah 29:11) and that involves me telling as many people about Him and what He can do for them that I can.

However, that doesn't mean that my ugly selfish human nature will not kick in.  I've been thinking a lot this week on past decisions that I have made and how that affects the future.  No condemnation towards myself is intended, but there are some decisions that are made in a quick instant that become easier and easier to make.  The more I make them, the less I feel bad about them.  They are not necessarily bad decisions, depending on how one looks at them, but they do have lasting consequences.  It's not something I can ignore because they keep coming back to haunt me.  I'm on a different path now, trying to correct them but these mistakes will take a long time to correct. 

This is time that I feel I no longer have to accomplish some of the dreams that I once had for myself.  Dreams for a family.  I think it's bothered me more this week because I turn 35 in a couple of months.  It's like I'm suddenly staring 40 in the face and it's made me take a look back at where my life has gone.  I've had a good like, it just didn't turn out the way I thought it would.

So what do I do now?  I take another look at the future, consult God, and see where the next few years of my life take me.  So what if my white picket fence is a church pew full of children?  Or what if my white dress is a blue t-shirt that matches 30 other blue t-shirts?  I guess my dreams really didn't die.  God just fulfilled them in a different way.  It's time to seek new dreams and see where the path goes.  At the end of my life, I'll be able to look back and see the picture that only God can see now.  I'm glad the paintbrush is not in my hand because there is not telling what the painting would look like if it was....

Coming down from a church camp high...

I love being up on the moutaintops of KBA with God.  This week I got to share that experience with my niece and three other girls from church.  It was the girls' first time to go.  It's always a great time for me to get away from the world for a short while and spend some time focused on God.  I think the girls really benefited as well.  We were blessed to be joined by our pastor this week who made sure that we stayed hydrated in the heat. 

The lack of sleep was nothing compared to watching these girls go deeper in the Word and learn more about God.  To watch them sing in the worship services, and raise their hands to worship God brought great joy to me as well.  It was awesome to watch the girls make new friends, and to make new friends myself (or meet fellow brothers and sisters in Christ) and to see old friends again.

We had excellent preaching all week, awesome music, great classes, thought-provoking cabin devotionals at night.  The theme throughout the week was staying connected to Jesus.  Johnny Montgomery did an excellent job of bringing things down to the kids' level. 

In the afternoon, we spent some time playing games and on the Ropes course, learning that we have to work together, that we have to watch out which voices we are listening for, and that our brothers and sisters in Christ are here to help us along the way.  I'm trying to get a slide show to work which I'll post later.

It's the little things

It's the little things...

•  like my car not starting or this situation not working out
•  like the ______ did not ______
•  or the _____ did not ______
•  and the ______ was not _______
•  plus the ______ did not ______

These are the little things that won't matter tomorrow.

It's the little things.....

•  my nephew enjoying the guitar I hadn't gotten out of the closet in years
•  a hug from my niece who grows an inch taller every week it seems
•  a video chat with my other nephew, who likes to show me scary spiders
•  working on my car with my dad, who was here when I needed him
•  little puppy teeth biting my toe
•  asking my mom for help on a sewing project because I messed up again
•  a text or an email from friends to help you out of a slump
•  a gift from a coworker to brighten your day
•  pictures or texts from my sisters about my "kiddos"
•  knowing a church family is there to pray when you need it
•  a loving Father waiting to welcome you back with open arms when you've gone astray....

THESE are the little things that WILL matter tomorrow.....and the things that need to be foremost in my mind.

Stray cat...

So, I think I've mentioned the stray cat that's been hanging out at my house.  I guess technically she's not really a stray since she has a name "Foxy", kinda given to her by my nephew Nick who thought she was a fox last summer.  It wasn't long before I discovered that Foxy was pregnant.  Being the soft-hearted animal lover that I am, I began feeding her.  It wasn't long until I could holler "kitty kitty" and she would come running, meowing and hissing all the while.  She would come pretty close, but not close enough for me to pet her.  If I got too close, she would hiss at me more.  The kittens have since been born.  I have no idea where they are.  But Foxy still comes around to eat.  I am happy to report that our relationship has progressed.  She still hisses at me, but she has progressed to rubbing around my ankles while hissing and meowing for food.  I can also pet her, and she'll only hiss a little. 

Well, while I was driving to work this morning, it occurred to me that Foxy is similar to the people reach out to us for help.  Whether with physical needs or people needing friends, these people may have been burned in the past and may just need someone to show them love.  They might bite and hiss at first, but maybe beneath the biting and hissing is a kitty cat wanting to be loved.  Who knows?

feelings

I hate feeling like I'm not good enough. 
I hate feeling like I've done everything wrong. 
I hate feeling like I don't belong anywhere.
I hate feeling like no one loves me.

Well,
Satan loves it when I feel like I'm not good enough.
Satan loves it when I feel like I've done everything wrong.
Satan loves it when I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
Satan loves it when I feel like no one loves me.

Even better,
God loves me when I feel like I'm not good enough.
God loves me when I feel like I've done everything wrong.
God loves me when I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
God loves me when I feel like no one loves me.

But:
I know I'm not good enough but the blood of Jesus covers me and that's enough.
I know that I will do things wrong but I do things right too.
I know that I belong in the family of God, and I know I belong at my church.
I know people love me, and I need to show my love to them even if they don't show it to me.

Oh, and by the way, God loves you too!

Blessings

¹ “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD.
² “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.
³ For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will

dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.

⁴ “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace;

you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
⁵ For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

Isaiah 54:1-5

I love this scripture!  I am barren because I have no physical children of my own (I don't know this medically - I'm using it as a reference).  But God has blessed me spiritually in many ways.  I am blessed to have a closer relationship with my niece and nephews that an aunt normally would have, I think.  I love them dearly, and I'm blessed to have Rae, Ry, and Nick in my life (even if Nick is in another country right now).  I am blessed to work in a church that has a thriving kids' ministry.  :-)  So the things that I like to worry about at times, God has already answered in my life.  I have a big tent full of children, and a Groom coming to take me home one day.  What more could a girl ask for?

 

 

Communication

It seems like every Bible verse or devotional email I have gotten this week has been about words.  Not to mention friends' facebook statuses.  And of course, this is the week of all weeks when my words have probably been the worst.  Ask anyone close to me and they could probably tell you.  Proverbs is full of wisdom (duh) about speech.  Like some of the following (all references KJV):

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.  Prov. 25:11

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.  Prov. 15:1

Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know

how ye ought to answer every man.  Colossians 4:6 

Let me assure you that my speech has been the opposite of this all week.  Maybe not so much today.  The saying from when we were kids that words don't hurt aren't true at all.  Words have the power to hurt, and the power to heal, but unfortunately the soul takes longer to heal from hurtful words that should never have been said in the first place. 

So not only do words hurt, words can reveal the hurt that is hiding inside of someone.  The words coming out of my mouth this week have been a strong indicator of the status of my heart. 

A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good;

and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil.

For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.  Luke 6:45 NKJV

I've had trash in my heart and trash has been coming out of my mouth.  I never knew that there was such a thing as trash seeds, but there is.  They were planted in my mind by the enemy.  God gives us ways to get them out of our mind, but unfortunately, I have coddled, watered, transplanted, harvested, and planted some more all the seeds in my mind.  I don't like the result.  When I do these things, I become the complete opposite of the woman that God wants me to be.  The result of this trash in my heart, is that trash comes out that hurts others, and I may be keeping other women from being what God wants them to be. 

It's a cycle that needs to stop in me.  I don't like who it makes me, and I don't like the person that it would make me years down the road.  I've met people like this and I don't want this to be me.  I want to be completely different.  So, I'll say good night, because I have a lot of trash to take out tonight.

FIRE!

When I say "battle,"  I mean spiritual battles.  I feel so battered and bruised this week.  The enemy knows where the vulnerable spots in my armor are, and he aims at them every time.  The bad thing is that many times the arrow barely pierces my armor, but then I take it and shove it all the way in.  I can tell you, nothing messes up my morning more than having a fiery dart from the enemy running back and forth in my mind.  Once I get that fiery dart in my mind, I just add fuel to the fire and pretty soon I am a spontaneous uncombusting human.  The sad thing about the whole uncombusting thing is that I have a Fireman that is with me all the time.  Most of the time it just takes a well-versed phrase to put out the fire.  Then all is well with my day again.  It's AMAZING how quick the fire can go out.  What is even more amazing is the fact that this Fireman comes to put out fires that I usually accelerate.  I've always been told that if you holler "wolf" (or fire in this instance), people will stop listening and will no longer come to help you, especially if you have made the fire spread more.  The great thing about this Fireman is that He will not only put out the fire, He wrote a manual about it, and after He puts out the fire, He will hold you and let you cry it out.  I am falling in love with this Fireman and this fact about Him makes me love Him even more.  (Out pops a rabbit that I'll chase for a little bit...)

Speaking of love, I did a little study on the word this week.  Like how different is the word "love" as used between Isaac and Rebekah and the word "love" used in reference to "Love the Lord with all your heart."  The first love (according to the original translation of the word - and I am speaking on what I ascertained from my Strong's concordance) is more like a Pepe le Pieu type love, the Woohoo! gonna get me some of that love.  The second love is more of a head knowledge type love, you fall in love because of what you find out about the person and what you know about them.  So I've been trying to do that this week.  Focusing on the aspects of God that make me love Him.

One of the things that I've noticed over the course of time is that my heart knows who it belongs too.  Many times have I tried to turn and go in the other direction, however my heart doesn't let me get very far.  It knows that my path lies in the other direction.  I may be stuck for a little bit before I turn around, but things always go so much better when I get turned around.  And I know that when I turn around, His arms are waiting to catch me and hold me close.  What more could a girl ask for?  When I accepted His gift of salvation, I gave Him my heart and my life.  Who better to take care of them than the one who brought them into being? 

I chased that rabbit for a little bit but I think I needed to because I've been under a constant barrage of fiery darts this evening.  So it's time for me to grab my sword, polish my shield, and do some lion hunting!  Sweet dreams, people!

I shall return...

I have not disappeared, I promise.  I am just currently buried underneath a pile of thoughts, projects, and other things....there are a lot of thoughts rolling around in my mind just begging to be released. 

The King's Great Sacrifice - a fable

The city is buzzing with activity.  Shouts of "It's here!  It's here!" can be heard throughout the streets.  The boat bringing goods from a far off land has just sailed up to the dock.  This is not just any ordinary ship.  This ship appears to have the finest goods from lands both far and near.  People swarm the dock to get a glimpse of what might be on the ship to tempt their unsatisfied lives.  However, today, the ship is carrying a different type of cargo.  Today, the ship is full of slaves.  The Captain of the ship leads the slaves out on deck.  The people of the city line up to get a glimpse of these slaves.  They are all in bondage to the Captain for various reasons, some more serious than the others.  Most had been tricked into slavery by following the Captain as he led them astray.  They are murderers, thieves, liars, lovers of money, gossipers, slanderers, and idolaters.  The Captain of the ship has set the same price for them all. 

He leads the first slave up to the auction block.  "Who wants this slave?" the Captain asks.  "He's a hard worker, and does not require very much food."  The truth was that this slave was not a very hard worker,  lazy, and eats way too much food.  No one stepped up to claim him, for none could afford what the Captain wanted for him.

The next slave steps up to the auction block.  This one is a young woman.  She is thin, and does not look like she would be a very good worker.  Again, no one steps up to purchase her.  The next slave is an old man.  He is so weak he cannot stand.  The people from the city know that he would not be worth the price, even if the Captain did not want very much for him.  No one steps forward to claim him either.

One by one, the slave line up.  Old, young, feeble, weak, malnourished, too lazy to do any work.  There are some that might be able to do some work, but none that are worth the price that the Captain is asking.  The Captain looks throughout the crowd.  "Surely there is someone willing to purchase one of these slaves."  But there is none willing to pay the price.  No one wants to pay such a high price for a worthless slave.

Then, there is a stirring at the back of the crowd.  The people of the city start to whisper, "It's the King!  The King has come to purchase a slave!"  The King lived among the city people.  He came into their homes, spoke with them daily, and made sure that the citizens had everything that they needed. 

As the King comes forward, the crowd parts to let him through.  "How much are you wanting for these slaves?" he asks the Captain.  "Just a firstborn and only son" said the Captain, "and no one seems to want to pay that price.  But I've travelled a long way, and I cannot accept less than that."

The King then knew was he must do.  His beloved son, living in the castle in the hills above the city, must be given to save these slaves.  The King knew that the Captain would not carry these people any further, but that throw them into the sea to die.  So the King sent for his son, who went willingly with the Captain, so these slave would have a chance at life. 

As the Captain set sail with the King's son, the King took the slaves with him back into the city.  He cleaned them up, gave them the things that they needed, and then set them free.  He knew that none them would be able to do the things that his son did, but he wanted them to tell others about what his son had done for them.  He thought that they would be more willing to spread the word if he set them free.  Some were willing to tell others, but most just went on their way, doing what they had done before.

As the Captain sailed off with the King's son, he changed course to sail over shark-infested waters.  His plan had been to get the King's son all along, and then feed him to the sharks.  So as they sailed over the sharky waters, in went the King's son and down he went, into the deep dark recesses of the ocean.  And the Captain sailed on, looking for other people to trap into slavery.

But that is not the end of the story.  Three days after being thrown into the water, the King's son comes out of the ocean, and back into the Kingdom of his father, to live among the people there.  The Captain just thought that he had won....

The moral of this story?  There are none of us slaves that are worth the price that was paid for us. I have been struggling with the "I am an unprofitable servant" (refer back to earlier blog post) verse in the New Testament for weeks now.  I thought I had figured it out, but a new thought occurred to me this morning.  I am an unprofitable servant, because I can never do enough, or make enough to pay back the price that was paid for me.  There is nothing I can do that can equal the sacrifice of the King's one and only Son.  In my eyes, I am not worth the price that was paid for me.  But in the King's eyes, He loved me enough to give up His Son so that I might have life.  I just pray that I am one of the ones willing to spread the news so others can know about the wonderful thing that the King's son has done.

Hoarding in my emotional closet

So I am a big fan of hoarders.  Don't ask me why.  It just fascinates me how people can take items that many people would consider trash and want to hold onto them.  It's not very easy to understand why they would want to hold onto these items, but then they start telling about their lives and how they got to the point of holding onto everything.  Many of the items have some type of emotional connection to an earlier time in their lives or some loved one that they've lost.  When I hear their stories, it becomes a little easier to understand, this need to fill their lives with something other than what they have gone through in the past.

I think that I do the same thing with my emotional closet.  I have a lot of stuff buried that I drag out because I'm attached to them.  Some things I think I've gotten rid of and then find them again when I'm rearranging other things in my emotional closet.  So I have this 1,000 gallon garbage bag full of emotional that is stuck in my mind.  It may be huge but I do have the ability to hide it on occasion. 

Well, I uncovered it recently.  I have been digging through the bag for days.  Taking things out and putting them in a pile and then putting them back in the bag.  These are things that are really hard to hand over to God.  I think I'm speaking for Him in my mind and not sitting still and listening enough.  Well, I'm listening.  But I'm listening to the rats hiding in the closet and not the professional organizer waiting outside to help me clean the junk out.  So I'm gonna close now.  Apparently I have some house cleaning to do. 

Step back in time with me...

So I know that curiosity killed the proverbial cat, but sometimes I just have to search some things out.  After watching Jane Eyre recently and having seen Wuthering Heights before, I decided to look up the Bronte (and yes, I know there's supposed to be two little dots over that last E but the alt+number thing doesn't work on my computer and I don't know how to do it otherwise) sisters and see what their life was like, since the aforementioned novels contained such sadness at the beginning.  To my surprise, I discovered a third novelistic sister, Anne.  She was the author of a novel named Agnes Grey.  I thoroughly enjoyed this book.  Parts of the Agnes' thoughts were like taking thoughts right out of my own head.  I'll share a couple with you below. 

I wondered why so much beauty should be given to those who made so bad a use of it, and denied to some who would make it a benefit to both themselves and to others.

We all have some thoughts that all the angels in heaven are welcome to behold, but not our brother-men - not even the best and kindest among them. 

By His help I will arise and address myself to my appointed duty.  If happiness in this world is not for me, I will endeavour to promote the welfare of those around me, and my reward shall be hereafter - so I said in my heart.

What business had I to think so much of one that  never thought of me?

And my favorite:

We have had trials, and I know that we must have them again; but we bear them well together, and endeavour to fortify ourselves and each other against the final separation - that greatest of all afflictions to the survivor.  But, if we keep in mind the glorious heaven beyond, were both may meet again, and sin and sorrow are unknown, surely that too may be borne, and meantime, we endeavour to live to the glory of Him who has scattered so many blessings in our path. 

So maybe I went a little overboard with the quotes, but I really identified with Agnes.  At one point in the novel, she is praying that God's will be done, then she's adding "All things are possible with God and let it be your will" to it, and finally "God, it's not just for me."  I feel that way sometimes, not sure if something I'm praying for is in God's will but knowing that He can do anything, even the things that seem impossible to us.  As big a thing as that is to wrap our human minds around, that's the part where faith comes in, it is the substance of things hoped for (Heb. 11:1).  And on that note I'll say good night.  Agnes got her happy ending, maybe I need to be praying more about mine.

And now I think I have said sufficient.

Finally read between the lines....

One of the wonderful things about Scripture is that the second or third time you read a certain portion is usually the time that it really makes sense.  I've been stewing (stewing, fuming, crying, wailing, thinking, and stewing some more) over a certain portion of Scripture for over a week now.  And tonight, I think I finally get what God is trying to tell me. 

Those that know me real well can tell you that my singleness is something that I'm OK with for a little while, and then it starts to bother me, then I'm OK with it for a while, then it starts to bother me again.  Well, I'm in a period of botheredness right now.  I wouldn't say that it's necessarily that I want to be married all that much, but the thought of marriage does cross my mind every now and again.

Back to the Scripture.  I had been listening to the song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners" by Casting Crowns in my car a lot recently.  There's a part of the song that says "[I'm a] grateful leper at your feet," which brought to my mind the story of the ten lepers, and only one coming back to thank Jesus for healing them, found in Luke 17:11-19.  I like to read the verses surround a passage when I am studying my Bible.  Preceding this passage, in verses 5-10 is the following passage:

⁵ And the apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith.”
⁶ So the Lord said, “If you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and be planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you. ⁷ And which of you, having a servant plowing or tending sheep, will say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and sit down to eat’? ⁸ But will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare something for my supper, and gird yourself and serve me till I have eaten and drunk, and afterward you will eat and drink’? ⁹ Does he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I think not. ¹⁰ So likewise you, when you have done all those things which you are commanded, say, ‘We are unprofitable servants. We have done what was our duty to do.’”

My first thought on this passage (after reading on a night when I was trying to understand through my emotions instead of my brain), was that I shouldn't expect anything from God for just doing what I am supposed to do.  When I became a Christian, I gave my life to Christ, it doesn't belong to me anymore, and I should be doing what God has asked me to do, without expecting anything in return.  [talk about a run-on sentence]  Then the next morning, after a lengthy text discussion with a friend, I thought it meant more like "last shall be first," "lose your life to find it," and "take up my cross daily."  So taking my eyes off the cross (big mistake), I look at the people around me and I'm want to scream and yell, why do I have to give up everything I want when everyone else seems to have what they want?  In taking my eyes off the cross, I fail to see what God is trying to get me to see. 

So after a lengthy gripe in my journal tonight, I decide that I need to take another look at this Scripture.  I just knew there was something else in there that God was trying to tell me.  Well, I figured it out tonight.  It's all in verse 6.  "Faith as a grain of mustard seed."  It starts with faith.  I was looking at the works end of it, and works is not what is going to get me into heaven.  It's faith.  When I have faith, I'm inspired to do good works.  I shouldn't do just one thing, and then expect God to just hand over everything that I want.  Being a Christian is about so much more than that.  Just like the Master doesn't tell the servant to sit and eat after coming in from the fields, God doesn't hand over a gift and say "here, open this" after I've completed one task.  I'm not saying that God doesn't give blessing upon blessing to His children, He continues to bless us even when we are not following Him the way that we should.  I just believe that blessings are easier to recognize when we are doing what we are supposed to for Him. 

So, what have I gleaned from this Scripture?  First, I've got to keep the faith.  I can't fully accomplish what God wants me to accomplish without faith.  Even with a tiny bit of faith, God can accomplish great things through anyone.  Second, I've got to keep working for Him.  I can't just quit when I've only done a couple of things.  There are things to be done all the time.  Third, I've got to remember that what I'm doing is not for me, but for Him.  The recognition for the things I can accomplish must be given to Him, because I'm just doing what He called me to do.  That's a small price for me to pay considering the larger price that was paid just so I can do these things and be able to have a relationship with Him.

I told someone recently that if I'm supposed to be married, I want to look up and find my future spouse working right beside me for the Lord.  So whether or not he's out there somewhere, there is work that needs to be done and the Master is calling me to work. 

A warning to the bully out there....

There is a big bully out there picking on my friends and family.  I won't name any names, but he likes to dress up as a sheep when he is really a lion, looking for someone to devour.  Well, he'd better watch out.  I'm on to his tricks.  I belong to someone else, he can't have me.  My friends belong to someone else too.  We are free from condemnation, we are free from the bondage of sin that once enslaved us.  If he needs a bigger reminder, here's one: 



And by the way, I've read the back of the Book.  I know who wins the battle.  So try your best.  The battle for my soul has already been fought, and I know who the winner is.  My God is bigger than you!

Picking up my bag of rocks again...

There is an issue that I have been struggling with for a long time.  I'll think that I've gotten rid of it, and before too long, up pops its ugly head again.  It's like the monster in my closet, that really shouldn't be an issue but I make more of it that it really is.  I even think sometimes that I leave it at the feet of Jesus, when in actuality what I have done is attached a long bungee cord to it.  When I get far enough away from the cross, it comes bouncing right back.  So I go along for a while, thinking that I am doing very well, when in actuality I'm getting farther away from the cross.  The farther away I get from the cross, the tighter the bungee cord gets, and the quicker my bag of rocks comes bouncing back to me.  It's so heavy, it knocks me flat.  Many times, it takes a while for me to get back up.  I believe what I truly need to do it take it to the feet of Jesus, turn around so He can untie bungee cord and hide it, and then I can turn back around and keep my eyes on Him.  When I think I've given it to Him and then turn around and take my eyes off the cross, the easier it will be to find it again.  The funny thing is that as I type this, I see how true this scenario is....

I know this is a short post, but apparently I have a bag of rocks to deliver to Someone so they can be hidden from me...

Serenity in Singleness

So I thought I would be smart and look up a singles' prayer.  Hahahahahahaha.  What I got was a singles' prayer marathon that guaranteed that my Godly spouse would show up soon and that I could be married by January 27th.  Can you hear my laughter as I type?  So then I thought I would be creative and maybe reword the Serenity Prayer and make it fit for singles.  So I looked it up.  And as I read it, I realized that it was perfect as it was and really fit in with my post from yesterday evening.  I had never read it in its entirety.  Here it is in case you've never read it all:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

12523 and counting....

That's how old I am in days.  Sounds like a lot doesn't it?  I wonder how many of those days has made God smile?  Days have been on my mind lately.  I heard a song on the radio yesterday that started the wheels going in my head.  It took me all afternoon yesterday to find it, because I only remembered a couple of words but here it is:

So now that I'm blogging about this song, I'm going to have to jam to it in the background.  :-)  It just really got me thinking about how many days I spend worrying about what's going to happen in the future or fretting about what has happened in the past.  How many times in the past I wish I would have done something differently, or not said that phrase, or took more time with my niece and nephews or didn't sign on that dotted line (again and again and again).  What's going to happen in the future with my life, my job, my church, my niece and nephews, what will I wear tomorrow, how am I going to pay that bill, where's my other black shoe because I'm wearing my black pants tomorrow, etc.  I can't change the things in my past and worrying about the things in the future will not make them any better.  No one knows the future but God.

I was so upset by these little things this morning that I almost missed the most beautiful sunrise.  Red, orange, yellow, beautiful colors.  How many times am I too busy to notice the sunset, the rabbit sitting in the bushes, the robin sitting on the limb of the tree, two squirrels chasing each other down the electric line?  Or the cloud that looks like an elephant sitting in a rowboat chasing a hippo in on a raft?  How many times do I miss the asteroids flying through the night sky?  The yellow harvest moon rising over the horizon?  Or watch the sun set over the Oklahoma hills?

Psalm 90:12 says "Teach us to number our days."  So I numbered mine.  That's a lot of days.  And I don't know how many more I have left.  But I know that I need to make better use of them, and not look back or try to look too far into my future.  So if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go look at some stars, and thank God for the day He has given me...

Sermon Illustrations from a non-preacher

Many times, as I go through my week, I'll see little things that remind me of my Christian walk.  This week, a couple of these images came from my pets.  First example is my precious pup Porky.  Porky, bless his little heart, is a chicken.  He hides from most everything.  He'll come out for me, and he loves to his head scratched, but it's always within the safety of the fence.  If a stranger enters the fence or if I try to get him to come out of the fence to go for a walk, he won't.  He hides when strangers come in, and no matter how much I cajole and coax him, he won't come out.  His sisters love to get out and run around the yard, but not Porky.  If I leave the gate on the fence open, and try to get him out to run around in the yard, he won't come out.  He'll come to the gate and maybe take two steps out, but he won't come all the way out.  This week, Porky worked up some courage and followed his sisters out of the fence.  He didn't run around as much as they did, but he did come out.  This struck me as similar to some Christians: they are comfortable in their specific pew, their specific role in the church (or non-role if they are not active in the ministry of the church), and they are not willing to venture outside of the fence even if God is calling them.  They may venture out a little, but then are ready to get right back into their comfort zone.  Fear or even laziness may keep them from taking the step outside of the fence, even if the Father is waiting on the other side for them.

Another example I saw this week is my "extra" cats.  I have a tender heart, and I can't stand to see an animal hungry.  We had a kitten that had been staying under the house.  I had seen him several times, so I started putting out food for him.  He took that as a good sign and decided to start showing up when I was feeding the dogs, and it did not bother him at all to be vocal about his hunger.  He wanted no part of me, except for the food.  He would not (and still will not) let me pet him, but he will come close and meow to let me know that he is hungry.  I call him Tigger.  The feeding becomes a regular things, and apparently Tigger spreads the word.  It's not long before Foxy and Calvin start showing up to eat as well.  Now, they are the same as Tigger.  They are wild and do not like to be touched.  They are not as vocal as Tigger, but still show up when they know it's dinner time.  These cats remind me of the people who want what the church has to offer in the way of assistance and handouts, but want no part of salvation or Jesus.  Like these cats, the church (Jesus) offers what they need for eternal, but if we get to close to them to offer this assistance, they hiss and growl and run in the other direction.  This also applies to Christians who have fallen away, and Christ offers the healing and mercy and grace that they need, but they turn the opposite direction and don't reach out for the help.  The thing about these "cats" though, is that with love and patience and grace, we may be able to reach them.  Tigger is gradually coming closer and closer, and I was actually able to pet him this week, but only for a second before he realized what I was doing.  I think its only a matter of time until I have him completely tame.  Same way with people, with patience and love, we can show them the way to Jesus.

Then there's my precocious Prince Inki.  My demanding, feed-me-now cat.  When he wants something, he has no problem letting me know about it.  And he will not hush until I give him what he wants.  He has rare times of patience, but most of the time it's "I want it and I want it now."  Sometimes he will have a full dish of food, what he needs, but he is not hapy with it until someone puts different food into his dish.  I know that we can be the same way sometimes.  We have what we need, but we beg and plead and pray and cry, because we don't have what we think we want or need.  We don't open our eyes and see what we already have, or don't realize that we don't have what we think we want or need  because God knows that it is not the best thing for us at the time.  We may not know why on this side of eternity, but we have to trust that God knows what it right for us and that He will give us what we need, just as Inki knows that I will give him food when he needs it.

Where are you in these?  I see a little of myself in all three.  I am more like Porky right now, in that I am not wanting to get out of the fence and follow God.  I'm not trusting that what is on the other side of the fence is what is best for me, and I am content to be a chicken and stay in the fence where I am comfortable.  Even if I see the others outside of the fence, and know that they are happy and content to follow the master, I may take a couple of steps out but I lose faith and trust and turn around and run right back in.  I feel God calling me out of the fence, to leave my comfortable pen and follow Him where ever but I am scared to follow when I don't know the path.  I know the destination but not the path.  And that scares me.  Do I have the courage to follow my brothers and sisters?  To be a part of that "great cloud of witnesses" that have gone on before? 

The scariest words in the world to me...

I am beginning to think that I got ahead of myself a couple of posts ago.  I may not necessarily be called to be single for life.  I read one time that a person doesn't know that they are for sure called to lifelong singleness until they die single.  This point brings me to the title of my blog.  The scariest words in the world to me are the words "I don't know."  I am OK with change, as long as I know what is happening.  If I have an idea of how things are going to change, I can usually roll with the change.  It's not knowing what's going to happen that scares me.  I think what bothered me most about my singleness was not knowing what was going to happen in my future.  I think it would be easier to know whether or not I was going to be single for life.  I used the past tense on the prior sentence because during my Scripture readings in the last couple of days, I have felt led in a different direction.  I feel that God is telling me that I just need to realize that He knows what is going to happen, He will be with me through it all, and as long as I let Him guide me, the change that comes (when and if it comes) will be handle-able (how's that for a run-on sentence and making up words?). 

I feel like I have spent the last few years wandering around in the wilderness like the children of Israel after they were led out of Egypt.  They had seen God do so many wondrous things, yet they had a hard time believing and accepting that He was really doing what was best for them.  They got to the point where they thought it would be better for them to go back to Egypt, and back to the slavery from which they had previously wanted to be free.  The misconceptions and illusions that I have had about my life in the last few years have essentially had me enslaved.  God has done many wondrous things in my life, foremost saving me from a life of sin, and bringing me into a relationship with Him.  There are many other things, too numerous to mention in a simple blog post.  So to let not knowing what is going to happen in my life keep me wandering in a wilderness of illusion is about as crazy as the Hebrews wanting to go back to Egypt.  Only I haven't let God free me from my slavery.  I am wondering around the wilderness dragging my ball and chain with me. 

Over the last couple of months, God has been showing me that it does not matter what happens in my life.  What matters the most is that I let Him have control, believing that He knows what is best for me.  The important thing is not whether or not I marry, have children, stay single, or make a lot of money.  The important thing is that my life is pointing people to Him.  There are still issues I have to work out, things from the past that the enemy likes to through in my face to get me off track.  As long as I keep my face pointed towards the Son, and try to stay rooted in the Word, I think things will be great.  I'm looking forward to what future wondrous things God is going to show me.

Positive Promises, #1

My next couple of posts will be on promises found in God's Word that have been revealed in my life in the last couple of years.  There are many promises in God's Word, you just have to look for them. 

1. Promise #1, Isaiah 54:1-3 (now, I'm not barren, but I am single and this verse has meant a lot to me).  The number of children coming to our church has really grown in the last few months.  And we seem to get new ones every week.  It's really good to see, and also good to hear, the sound of lots of children in our church.
2. Promise #2, no one can take us out of the Father's hand.  I have wanted to rebel and just run away many times, but I felt His love holding onto me.  It would not let me go.  How grateful I am that He loves me that much! 
3. Promise #3, 1 John 1:9, forgiveness when we ask for it.  There have been so many times when I should have just been struck down for the things I've said and done.  I'm not perfect, but His Love is and it will cleanse us when we ask Him to heal and forgive us.

More to come....

Positive rant time...

As a single, I get sick and tired of hearing "your time is going to come" and "there's a man out there for you" and "my sister-in-law's beautician's nephew's step-dad's brother is single" and yada yada yada.  I think as young children we're told too often that we are going to grow up and find our prince or princess and live happily ever after.  It continues all through our childhood.  "Save yourself for your spouse" and you will honor God.  A good friend (you know who you are) brought up this weekend that we should be told that you should keep yourself pure because this honors God and is the right thing to do.  And I agree.  Not everyone is destined to remain single, but in the world we live in it's becoming more and more the thing to live life for oneself and leave God out of the picture.  For many of us, it's difficult to find a Godly spouse, a person whose goals are the same as ours.  At least I know it's been difficult with me.  However, if we can find our purpose and find contentment in what we are doing and truly seek God in what we do everyday, I don't think it will matter that much.  I feel like I've been living for so long waiting for Mr. Right to show up around the next corner that I've wasted too much time.  And it's time for that to end.  I'm praying that 2012 is going to be a great year!  I know that God has great things in store and I can't wait to see what He is going to do!