clarity

I need to clarify on the whole adoption issue. I have a good support system around me. My parents, sister, aunts, uncles, etc. I'm just not close enough to any Christian men on a regular basis that would have a positive impact on any child I might have in the future and I believe this is a factor that would influence my decision. I think I'm thinking too much tonight. What do you think?

Powerful Puff of Positiveness, Popped

I watched the car that I've driven for over 4 years drive off earlier.  It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.  I was stuck in a debt cycle, and I knew I had to make some changes.  I have another vehicle I can drive for a few months, and I can focus on filling in my debt pit.  I got so excited when I first thought about selling my car to get out of debt, but it didn't take long for that balloon to sink.  Thoughts of travel and adoption and less stress over finances had me floating high for a while.  Sadly, reality soon sank in.

Travel is not an issue.  I'm single, no children, it would be easy for me to travel if I had the money.  I have my passport, family in a foreign country, and a job that gives me plenty of vacation time.  The pin that popped the balloon was the thought of adoption.  I am fairly certain that marriage is not in my future.  It doesn't bother me as much as it did.  I think, as I get older, I realize marriage does not hold all the ideals that I thought it did.  I have always been interested in children, and I would love to have children of my own. 

Being single, adopting a baby is not something I would consider.  I would love to take in an older child.  After listening to a podcast on adoption on a Christian website geared for singles, several issues with single adoption were brought to my attention, and I was reminded of this with my nephew tonight.  While I don't think a single woman can't raise a child on her own (double negative for emphasis only), I do think it is important for that child to be exposed to other Christian adults, especially males (if the child is being raised by a single mother).  This was a point that was brought out in that podcast.  While I have plenty of Christian women in my life, there is a lack of Christian males.  There are Christian men in my church, but none that would be involved directly with my child's (if I ever have one) life.

Of course, one also has to consider that being in a single parent family may be better than a child growing up in an orphanage.  That's something I need to consider as well.  I know of many successful single parents, women that have brought up their children in church (both girls and boys), and these children are leading very successful lives today.  It's just a choice of whether or not God has called me to be a parent in this way.

I have this one my mind, since my car drove away today, and yesterday was Orphan Sunday.  I have a lot of decisions to work through in the next few months and pray that God will give me the strength and His guidance through them all.

Psalm 107 and the Dead Sea Scroll Exhibit

So, my aunt and I drove down to Ft. Worth to the Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary today to see the Dead Sea Scrolls Exhibit.  The trip was my birthday gift (kind of to myself).  My friend Jenny from college met us down there.  She has been to Israel on an archeological dig and made an excellent companion during our time going through the exhibit.  The exhibit was very well put together.  It's amazing to see how God has protected His Word through the years.  One of the fragments or pages that we got to see today was Psalm 107.  I read a little bit while we were there, and read the full chapter when I got home.  It's amazing how this chapter parallels with what I have been experiencing in my life and I wanted to offer a paraphrase as a testimony to what God has done in my life.  So here goes:

Psalm 107, a Diana paraphrase

 

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good.

His faithful love endures forever.

Let the redeemed of the Lord proclaim

that He has redeemed them from the hand of the foe

and has gathered them from the lands -

from the east and the west, and the north and the south.

 

I have wandered in the desolate wilderness,

not able to find my way to that place in my life where I was supposed to be.

I was spiritually hungry and thirsty, and my soul was dying within me.

I cried out to my Lord in the midst of my despair.

He rescued me and showed me the way to go.

He showed me the path I was meant to travel

I give thanks to the Lord,

for His faithful love and His wonderful works for me.

He quenched my hunger and thirst, and has given me good things.

 

I have sat in darkness and despair, a prisoner in chains of my own doing.

Because I rebelled against God, and did not heed His counsel.

My spirit was broken by labor, I fell, and there was no one to help me up.

I cried out to my God, He heard me.

He lit up my darkness, and broke my chains.

I give thanks to the Lord,

for His faithful love and His wonderful works for me.

For He has broken my chains.

 

I was a fool, suffering under affliction caused by myself.

Caused by my sin and my rebellious ways.

I loathed any "word from God" and walked down the path of death.

Then I cried out to God in my despair.

He sent His Word.  He healed me.  He rescued me from the pit.

I give thanks to the Lord,

for His faithful love and His wonderful works for me.

For He healed me and He loves me.

I will offer gifts of thanksgiving and tell others how He has saved me.

 

There is a lot more to the testimony, but I am waiting to share until the whole of it has come to pass.  Let me just say that I am truly blessed to be loved by my God who will never let me go.

 

 



New Bucket List

So, here is my bucket list of things to do by the time I hit age 40:

1. Get my stupid debt paid off (hopefully by my next birthday)
2. Visit Jane Austen's house
3. See Phantom of the Opera on Broadway
4. Take my niece to the ballet
5. Take my nephew to a ballgame or etc
6. Finish reading all of Jane Austen's books
7. Take a dance class
8. Find out more about Theresa Mueller
9. Learn some German
10. Smile more....

Another year, another dollar

So, I hit the big 35 yesterday.  It bothered me up until today.  This age was kind of a goal age for me.  If I wasn't married with kids by this age, I probably would never be:  all the rigmarole about having kids after 35 and the increased risk of birth defects, and other things added in.  I know, I know.  God's plans are bigger than my plans and I have know plenty of people that have had successful pregnancies after age 35.  It was just a milestone for me.  I have a feeling things in my life are going to change for the better in the next few months.  So who knows what will happen by my next birthday....

Bucket list revised...

I need to revise my bucket list.  It wasn't very well thought through and I will be updating it soon!

Is the wait worth it?

This blog post has shown up in my life twice in one week.  It makes a very good point.  But it also tells me that I need to change my way of thinking from the last 35 years.  As a little girl, I dreamed of the day I would put on a white dress and walk down the aisle to my prince charming.  Barbie and Ken got married many times at my house.  :-)  Or maybe "renewed their vows" would be the right term.  Barbie always wore white, because she had waited for her wedding night.  (On a tangent, I really like how the Duggar girls talked about waiting a couple of weeks ago on their show). 

Growing up in a Christian home, I heard this a lot.  I heard it at church.  I heard it at church camp.  Youth rallies.  I even went to a True Love Waits lock-in and signed the card.  I never had a purity ring because I am not much of a jewelry wearer. 

Save yourself for your spouse and God will bring the right person into your life.

Become the person you want to marry and the right person will come along.

God has a perfect person out there for everyone.

Have you tried (insert name of dating website here)?

My neighbor's son's girlfriend's hairdresser's preschool teacher's daughter's coworker is a nice young man.  I should set you guys up.

If you're single, I'm sure you could insert several more phrases into the list above.  I've heard the above, met the coworker, neighbor, etc.  I've waited, signed the pledge, etc.  Yet year after year, no one has shown up.  My 35th birthday is in a month.  I was looking back and thinking that I have really not accomplished anything.  I'm not married, I don't have any children, I don't have a lot of material things.  I do have a college degree and a decent job, but the world tells me that this is not enough.  The world tells me that I need more to be happy. 

I think what bothers me more about this is that I've waiting for an invisible man that's not going to show up.  I've waited.  I've sat on my hands and I've not been living my life because I've been waiting.  I shouldn't be listening to the world.  I need to be listening to God.  God says I have a full life in Him.  Looking at my life from God's perspective, I've taught children about Jesus in several ways.  I've got to go as a sponsor to camp (with my heart daughter aka niece).  I handed out Bibles in a foreign country.  I've seen God's hand at work in my life in many ways.  I've got to share this with people.  I haven't done this as much as I should, but it's been there.

That was another tangent.  God made people to bring Him glory.  I've often thought that if a marriage in my life would bring God more glory, He will bring it to pass.  Or if I can bring more glory to Him as a single, that is the way I need to stay.  It's a very hard pill to swallow at times, the thought that I may and will likely be single the rest of my life.  Especially when it happens to others around me, or when people keep telling me that it will happen.  It makes me doubt God's plan and blessings in my life. 

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm almost 35, and I have to change my thinking.  God's plan is best.  God has good things planned for me.  God can use me whether I'm single or married.  Will I ever know why He has kept me single?  Maybe not, but I can say this.  The wait HAS been worth it.  I've missed out on a lot of heartbreak by waiting, among other things.  I have a lot of opportunities to serve God because I am single (not that you can't serve God as a married person, but take care that you don't work your single church members too much just because they are single).

Not too long ago, my niece mentioned marriage.  Hopefully I can teach her, and my nephew, that waiting is good because it brings glory to God and not just wait because it will bring the right person along at some point.  I think I've said enough so I will sign off.  I've got a lot of reading and praying to do...