the desires of my heart

There is something that I have been wanting for a while now.

I just figured that if I kept going, eventually it would show up.

Yeah, I probably could have gone out and found it on my own.

I probably could have asked someone to find some for me.

But I didn't ask, I didn't find, I didn't get any of my own.

Sunday morning, fighting my usual "don't want to get out of bed"ness,

I finally got going and on my way to church.

Walking through the back door, I met what I never expected to see that morning.

Right there, right in front of me, that thing my heart had been wanting.

Brought to church by my good friends.

I spent some time with this desire tonight. 

It made my evening so much better. 

I hope you get to enjoy some in your life as well.

Home grown too.  How often do you see that in the city?

Fresh, home-grown,


OKRA

Midnight Mind Mumblings

I sit here, at 2:15 AM, wondering why I am still wide awake.  I'm checking off the events of the evening in my mind: no caffeine, didn't eat late, classical music before bed usually relaxes me.  I'm not sure what is keeping me awake.  I do have some things on my mind and wonder if I don't need to get the out in the open.  Maybe not the world-wide-web open, but maybe if I get the generalization of them off my chest I'll be able to sleep.  Although I highly doubt it. 

My life has not turned out the way I thought it would.  As little girls, we dream of white picket fences and white wedding gowns.  My dream did not turn out that way.  Instead, I got white walls and stacks of white paper.  Does that mean that my life has less meaning?  Sometimes I feel that way but when I step back and look at the whole of my life and at the hands that created my life and know the path that I am going down, I get a different perspective.  When I made the decision to accept Christ as my Saviour, my life became His to do with as He will.  My dreams are no longer my own.  The vision I had for my life becomes obtuse, and a different vision begins to form.  God has a plan for me (this is NOT a reference to Jeremiah 29:11) and that involves me telling as many people about Him and what He can do for them that I can.

However, that doesn't mean that my ugly selfish human nature will not kick in.  I've been thinking a lot this week on past decisions that I have made and how that affects the future.  No condemnation towards myself is intended, but there are some decisions that are made in a quick instant that become easier and easier to make.  The more I make them, the less I feel bad about them.  They are not necessarily bad decisions, depending on how one looks at them, but they do have lasting consequences.  It's not something I can ignore because they keep coming back to haunt me.  I'm on a different path now, trying to correct them but these mistakes will take a long time to correct. 

This is time that I feel I no longer have to accomplish some of the dreams that I once had for myself.  Dreams for a family.  I think it's bothered me more this week because I turn 35 in a couple of months.  It's like I'm suddenly staring 40 in the face and it's made me take a look back at where my life has gone.  I've had a good like, it just didn't turn out the way I thought it would.

So what do I do now?  I take another look at the future, consult God, and see where the next few years of my life take me.  So what if my white picket fence is a church pew full of children?  Or what if my white dress is a blue t-shirt that matches 30 other blue t-shirts?  I guess my dreams really didn't die.  God just fulfilled them in a different way.  It's time to seek new dreams and see where the path goes.  At the end of my life, I'll be able to look back and see the picture that only God can see now.  I'm glad the paintbrush is not in my hand because there is not telling what the painting would look like if it was....

Coming down from a church camp high...

I love being up on the moutaintops of KBA with God.  This week I got to share that experience with my niece and three other girls from church.  It was the girls' first time to go.  It's always a great time for me to get away from the world for a short while and spend some time focused on God.  I think the girls really benefited as well.  We were blessed to be joined by our pastor this week who made sure that we stayed hydrated in the heat. 

The lack of sleep was nothing compared to watching these girls go deeper in the Word and learn more about God.  To watch them sing in the worship services, and raise their hands to worship God brought great joy to me as well.  It was awesome to watch the girls make new friends, and to make new friends myself (or meet fellow brothers and sisters in Christ) and to see old friends again.

We had excellent preaching all week, awesome music, great classes, thought-provoking cabin devotionals at night.  The theme throughout the week was staying connected to Jesus.  Johnny Montgomery did an excellent job of bringing things down to the kids' level. 

In the afternoon, we spent some time playing games and on the Ropes course, learning that we have to work together, that we have to watch out which voices we are listening for, and that our brothers and sisters in Christ are here to help us along the way.  I'm trying to get a slide show to work which I'll post later.

It's the little things

It's the little things...

•  like my car not starting or this situation not working out
•  like the ______ did not ______
•  or the _____ did not ______
•  and the ______ was not _______
•  plus the ______ did not ______

These are the little things that won't matter tomorrow.

It's the little things.....

•  my nephew enjoying the guitar I hadn't gotten out of the closet in years
•  a hug from my niece who grows an inch taller every week it seems
•  a video chat with my other nephew, who likes to show me scary spiders
•  working on my car with my dad, who was here when I needed him
•  little puppy teeth biting my toe
•  asking my mom for help on a sewing project because I messed up again
•  a text or an email from friends to help you out of a slump
•  a gift from a coworker to brighten your day
•  pictures or texts from my sisters about my "kiddos"
•  knowing a church family is there to pray when you need it
•  a loving Father waiting to welcome you back with open arms when you've gone astray....

THESE are the little things that WILL matter tomorrow.....and the things that need to be foremost in my mind.

Stray cat...

So, I think I've mentioned the stray cat that's been hanging out at my house.  I guess technically she's not really a stray since she has a name "Foxy", kinda given to her by my nephew Nick who thought she was a fox last summer.  It wasn't long before I discovered that Foxy was pregnant.  Being the soft-hearted animal lover that I am, I began feeding her.  It wasn't long until I could holler "kitty kitty" and she would come running, meowing and hissing all the while.  She would come pretty close, but not close enough for me to pet her.  If I got too close, she would hiss at me more.  The kittens have since been born.  I have no idea where they are.  But Foxy still comes around to eat.  I am happy to report that our relationship has progressed.  She still hisses at me, but she has progressed to rubbing around my ankles while hissing and meowing for food.  I can also pet her, and she'll only hiss a little. 

Well, while I was driving to work this morning, it occurred to me that Foxy is similar to the people reach out to us for help.  Whether with physical needs or people needing friends, these people may have been burned in the past and may just need someone to show them love.  They might bite and hiss at first, but maybe beneath the biting and hissing is a kitty cat wanting to be loved.  Who knows?

feelings

I hate feeling like I'm not good enough. 
I hate feeling like I've done everything wrong. 
I hate feeling like I don't belong anywhere.
I hate feeling like no one loves me.

Well,
Satan loves it when I feel like I'm not good enough.
Satan loves it when I feel like I've done everything wrong.
Satan loves it when I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
Satan loves it when I feel like no one loves me.

Even better,
God loves me when I feel like I'm not good enough.
God loves me when I feel like I've done everything wrong.
God loves me when I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
God loves me when I feel like no one loves me.

But:
I know I'm not good enough but the blood of Jesus covers me and that's enough.
I know that I will do things wrong but I do things right too.
I know that I belong in the family of God, and I know I belong at my church.
I know people love me, and I need to show my love to them even if they don't show it to me.

Oh, and by the way, God loves you too!

Blessings

¹ “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD.
² “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.
³ For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will

dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.

⁴ “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace;

you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
⁵ For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

Isaiah 54:1-5

I love this scripture!  I am barren because I have no physical children of my own (I don't know this medically - I'm using it as a reference).  But God has blessed me spiritually in many ways.  I am blessed to have a closer relationship with my niece and nephews that an aunt normally would have, I think.  I love them dearly, and I'm blessed to have Rae, Ry, and Nick in my life (even if Nick is in another country right now).  I am blessed to work in a church that has a thriving kids' ministry.  :-)  So the things that I like to worry about at times, God has already answered in my life.  I have a big tent full of children, and a Groom coming to take me home one day.  What more could a girl ask for?